Just Drawn That Way
by Dannell Lites
"I'm not bad ...
I'm just drawn that way...."
~Jessica Rabbit, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"~
Rodney Roger Rabbit sharpened his # 2 drawing pencil with his sharp front teeth and carefully examined the edge out of the corner of his eye. Hmmm. That should do it, he hoped. There was some intricate background details coming up in these next few panels of the JLA - the Justa Lotta Animals.
"I hope I get the curl of Super Squirrel's tail right this time ... " he muttered. The life of a funny book cartoonist was not an easy one. "Not to mention the size of BatMouse's cape! Sheesh! How *big* is that blasted thing anyway?" Another of life's little mysteries, apparently.
"Why not try drawing *my* tail, Big Boy?" whispered a sultry female voice from the shadows. "I guarantee you it's an easier target. And much more attractive ... "
Roger jumped from his chair at the unexpected sound, whirling to face the owner of that delicious voice. His eyes bulged when he found himself confronted by a lovely specimen of Toonhood with short, silky white fur, small perky ears (just the way he liked them!), half again as tall as he. Struck speechless, the cartoonist and part-time superhero dropped his pencil.
"W-who are *you*?" he finally managed to stammer. Frantically attempting to retrieve his rolling pencil, Roger cried in triumph when he again lay paws on the elusive object. Staring up once more into those half-lidded eyes, he had time to take note of the shoulder-length titian red hair with approval. His favorite color!
And she was even the right species, too! Woo!
But then his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Are you a spy from Marsupial comics?" he demanded.
"Of course not!" cried a perturbed Jessica Rabbit. "My name is Jessica Rabbit ... and I'm a genuine damsel in distress here! I need your help."
Roger's long ears perked up and his eyes shone with eagerness. "Wow!" he declared. "Really?? A real damsel in distress? We don't get many of those around here." He stepped closer to the sniffling Jessica.
"Just give me a second to slip into someone more powerful," he soothed, "and then Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew are at your beck and call!"
Jessica wiped her teary eyes and watched the harried hare step over to a window box. Carefully he plucked an oversized, strangely glowing carrot from the loose soil of the box and began to munch. Instantly, the Rabbit of Righteousness made a sour face.
"Blechh!" he spat. "Have I ever mentioned to anyone to just how *awful* those things taste? Must be all that radiation or something. Yuck! Give me a nice spinach soufflé any day."
At that moment Rodney Roger Rabbit was consumed by a flash of blinding light. Jessica shielded her eyes and when the spots had cleared found that the mild-mannered cartoonist had vanished. In his place stood a veritable langomorphic Hercules, mightily thewed, virtually glowing with power.
"Ooooo!" purred Jessica. "My goodness! If I weren't so attached to my very own Honey-Bunny ..."
"Er - ah - yes... " gulped an embarrassed Captain Carrot. "-Ahem- Let me summon the rest of the Zoo Crew and we'll soon get to the bottom of your problem, Little Lady."
Jessica was forced to cover her ears this time as, with the touch of a button, the Z Building was inundated with loudly blaring klaxons shrieking, "Alert! Alert! Emergency, even!" and large, rolling, brightly lit neon signs declaiming "THIS WAY TO THE EMERGENCY! OVER HERE!"
Not unexpectedly, Fastbak, Timmie Jo Terrapin, was the first to arrive. "Tarnation!" cried the World's Fastest Tortoise. "Cain't y'all shut down that gol-durned racket, Captain? What's so all-fired important, anyways?"
Smiling, Captain Carrot pointed at the sultry Jessica, who was smoothing her clinging shirt over her ample hips. "She is." he informed his compatriot. Licking her ruby lips Jessica Rabbit smiled at the backwoods fellow.
With a small cry of distress and a tiny sonic boom to accompany him, Timmie Jo Terrapin retreated into his shell, cowering and shaking.
"Huh?" blurted a mystified Roger Rabbit. Approaching the terrified tortoise, he rapped loudly on the shell, listening as the echoes reverberated from within.
"Helllo!" he demanded. "Timmie Jo, I know you're in there! Come back out here! Right now!"
"Ah cain't," whispered the timid terrapin. "Ah'm scairt o' purdy gals."
"What a loser!" opined the deep voice of Rubber Duck, Byrd Rentals. The Hollywood leading duck elongated himself into the room at the head of the remaining Zoo Crew members. Entwining his flexible neck several times around the curvaceous body of a surprised Jessica Rabbit, the film star leaned her precariously backwards and whispered into her ear.
"Ah chérie," he crooned in his very best phony French accent (still somehow redolent of his hometown of Teaneck, NJ), "Come away wis me to ze Casbah!"
"Mr.Rentals!" Jessica protested in a stern voice. "I hardly know you!"
"I know!" the ductile duck admitted with a rueful, lecherous grin. "This is the part where we get to know each other better, baby! Heh, heh, heh ... "
She stomped his foot but it did little good. Frustrated, the lovely Toon gritted her teeth and pushed Rubber Duck's seeking lips as far away as possible. Like, say, *Miami*, if that were feasible.
"Give it up, Byrd, lil' buddy," advised a snickering Pig Iron. "The lady ain't interested ... "
"Ahem!" Captain Carrot cleared his throat noisily, attracting everyone's attention. Tapping his foot with impatience, he regarded his teammates with a jaundiced eye. "If you don't mind, guys, could we get down to business, here?" came his sarcastic inquiry. He turned to the flustered Jessica. "I believe Ms. Rabbit here has something she'd like to tell us." Jessica nodded.
"Someone is stalking me," she whispered. "I've been captured and have escaped three times in the last month! You've got to help me! He wants me for his love slave!"
Captain Carrot slipped a sympathetic arm around Jessica's snowy shoulders. "There, there, my dear! You're safe now, here with us. Who is this dastardly fiend? Do you know?"
Suddenly the room was filled with a loud buzzing. In Roger's arms, Jessica stiffened and shrieked, pointing.
"HIM!" she cried. "Magskeeto!"
The Zoo Crewer's gasped in surprise and horror.
"Magskeeto!"
"No, no! NOT Magskeeto!"
"Oh dear ... And me without my Magskeeto repellant! Darn!"
Pig Iron scratched his head in befuddlement -- not an unusual state of affairs for him. "Magskeeto? Who's Magskeeto?"
"I am the mightiest mutant in ToonTown!" cried the wrathful, offended Magskeeto, hovering nearby in the air. "No one may match my power!"
"You're the *only* mutant in ToonTown!" yipped Rova Barkett, Yankee Doodle Poodle, readjusting her eyewear fastidiously. "Didn't you watch my Gossip Insiders Special on you, for Heaven's sake??"
"Hey!" protested the high voice of the Mad Stinker. "*I* live in ToonTown, too! What about me? I'm a mutant!" The assemblage recoiled in horror as the The Stinker lifted his bushy, striped tail in impending menace. At his side, The Stinker's Awesome Androgonine growled and balled it's huge hands into fists.
"You are doomed, unfortunate ones!" continued the Mighty Mite, ignoring the now angry poodle And his partner in crime. "Accept your fate! I am all powerful! I am invincible! *I* carry disease!" Buzzing loudly the malicious mutant turned his attention to the towering Pig Iron. "How would you like a raging case of Yellow Fever?" He racked the Porcine Powerhouse up and down with his multifaceted eyes in consideration. " ... although in this instance perhaps a case of Swine Flu would be more appropriate... "
"Swine Flu?" blurted a discomfitted Pig Iron. "Why Swine Flu? Anything but Swine Flu! Who -what about your mutant power over magnetism?"
"Oh yes," said the Insect Master of Magnetism, raising an eyebrow. "Those, too."
So saying, he lifted the Swine of Steel from the floor with ease, bouncing him off the walls several times.
"Help!" shrieked the helpless Porker of Power, "HEELLPP!"
"Oh, dear!" murmured Alley Kate Debra, clutching her Magic Wand and aiming her spell carefully at Magskeeto.
SWAT!
The giant fly-swatter missed the annoying insect by inches and Feline Fur stamped her booted foot in frustration. Flying to safety, Magskeeto buzzed triumphantly.
"Ay missed me, ay missed me!" Taunted the mighty mosquito. "Now ay got kiss me ..."
"EWW!" chorused all the women in the room. Jessica Rabbit shivered. Captain Carrot resisted a sudden, strong urge to scratch.
"Oh, who will save us?" Jessica moaned, wringing her slender hands in dismay. "Who?"
"Here I come to save the day!" sang a high, squeaky but nevertheless male voice. "That means that Iron Mouse is on the way! Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Iron Mouse will join the fight! On the sea or on the land, He's got the situation well in hand!"
"An armored mouse?" huffed Magskeeto. "Against *my*? Fool! The lovely Jessica will yet be mine! So swears Magskeeto!"
Exerting his control of the electromagnetic spectrum the mutant mosquito grabbed control of the gold and crimson clad mouse and aimed him carefully at the scurrying Zoo Crew.
"Incoming!" shouted a still-dazed Pig Iron, barely managing to duck in time.
"Shi-i-it-t-t!" ululated a most unhappy Iron Mouse. "Look out below!"
But before the Armored Rodent could hit the ground his armor suddenly exploded away from his body, leaving a naked, defenseless Iron Mouse clad only in his silk boxers adorned with bright red hearts. With a great "Ooomph" of exploding air he hit the ground and lay still. Toon birdies took form over his head and began chirping merrily.
"He's whacked!" announced Rubber Duck.
The tragic scene was interrupted by the timely arrival of a feminine mouse wearing a jaunty polka dot skirt and matching hair bow. Her high heels tapped rhythmically across the floor before she threw herself to her knees before the dazed form of Iron Mouse.
"Mickey, darling!" she wailed piteously. "It's me, your beloved Minnie! Speak to me!"
"Jess?" mumbled the rodent superhero. "Jessica, my sweet? Is that you?"
Minnie rocketed to her feet in fulminating anger. "Jessica??!" she exploded. "Who the hell is Jessica? Mickey, you rat!"
Rubbing his sore head, the now *un*armored hero did his best to try and sit up. "That's *mouse*," he corrected mildly. "I'm a mouse ...not a rat. Entirely different species, you know."
At which point the justifiably wrathful Minnie bashed him solidly over the head with his own helmet. Then she stalked off, muttering imprecations under her breath.
"Ba-a-aah-hoo!" the cry rang out in the large room, echoing off the walls. Suddenly the windows exploded inward as darkly-garbed, heavily-armed rams and ewes began swinging in through the now broken windows buoyed by retractable cables.
"How the *Hell* -- " began the ever-clueless Pig Iron.
"It's Nick Furry and his Agents of S.H.E.E.P.!" gasped Fastbak, peeking cautiously out of his protective shell in awe at the unfolding spectacle.
"Better believe it, HillBilly!" snarled Nick, chomping on his ever-present cigar and scratching one of his round panda-bear ears. "Dammed mosquito!" he growled. "He nailed me!"
"HA!" crowed Magskeeto in triumph.
"Nick ol' buddy," demanded Dodo Dugan, his second in command. "Are you all right?" He readjusted his bowler hat while his long red mustache twitched in ire around his prominent beak.
"Never better Dodo, pal!" declared Nick. Turning to his Agents he shouted, "Sic 'em boys!"
"Would someone mind telling me what's going on here?" wondered Captain Carrot.
The Mad Stinker, meantime, tucked his tail and cried, "Run away! Run Away!" His Awesome Androgonine picked him up and battered its way through the nearest wall.
"Coward!" accused a betrayed Magskeeto.
His baleful glare lanced out to peer at the others down his long dangerous proboscis. "Later, my enemies," he sneered, riding a magnetic wave to safety. "I shall return!" he threatened, "Never doubt it!"
Scarcely had the harassed group of do-gooders recovered from this timely exit on the part of their powerful foe when their relief was again rather rudely interrupted.
*TWIP* *TWIP*
From the ceiling two strands of micro-thin webbing attached themselves solidly to the floor and a colorful red and blue clad figure web slung his way into their midst.
"Am I too late to join the party?" Peter Porker, the Amazing Spiderham inquired jauntily.
Captain Carrot sighed heavily. "Way late, Web Spinner," the Rabbit of Righteousness assured him. The arachno-ham snapped his fingers in frustration, frowning mightily. But then he thought he spied compensation for his tardiness in the luscious form of Jessica Rabbit. His tail curled tightly as he slid closer and embraced her passionately.
"Wanna check out my web, beautiful?" he cooed.
"But what about Mary Jane Waterbuffalo?" demanded an harassed Jessica, fending off the amorous Spider Ham with both furry paws.
"Oh that's over," Peter Porker assured her. "MJ is dating Bruce Springchicken, now. You know .. 'Hatched In The USA'? All that contemporary avian angst? I'm a free ham!" He rubbed his chin in contemplation. "Or is it Billy Goat Joel she's with, now? I forget." Grinning, the superhero snapped his fingers and began to sing softly under his breath.
"Uptown gorilla Going out with a naval flotilla ..."
"ALl right!" shouted a very miffed Roger Rabbit in his best Commander of the Zoo Crew voice. "Everybody outta the pool!"
"Ohhhh," whimpered Yankee Doodle Poodle, "just when it was getting interesting, too!"
"Go for it, kid!" Rubberduck cheered for the Spiderham.
"Out, out!" demanded the incensed Roger.
Reluctantly, grumbling under their voices, the others obeyed, including the sobbing, heartbroken Peter Porker.
"Alone, at last!" sighed Captain Carrot, pulling Jessica in for a fervent kiss. Gasping for breath, the beauteous Ms. Rabbit smiled and snuggled closer.
"Ooooo, Roger!" Jessica purred, fondling a bicep or two. "Love Bunny ... "
Just then the silence was sundered by a deep, yet gurgly voice coming from behind them.
"All hail, the pulchritudinous Lady Jessica!" it announced. "Future Queen of Atlantis, the Realm Eternal! Imperious Wrecks!"
"Who the Toon are *you*?" demanded Roger, stepping in front of Jessica to protect her from the apparition looming before them. Garbed in ornate golden armor and a water filled helmet, his cerulean blue skin shining in the dim light of the room, the eight-armed octopus waved his tentacles in greeting.
"I am Warlord Klang," he declared, bowing before Jessica. "Sent by my sovereign, Prince No-More, the Sunk-Mariner to declare his love for thee, fair maiden. My Prince bids me give you this in token of his boundless affection!" The Atlantean Warlord extended two tentacles clutching a small bundle wrapped in day old newspaper. Jessica gasped and brought her fists to her mouth in despair.
"P-prince No-More?" she wailed. "Oh no! Not No-More! *Anyone* but No-More!" In desperation she clung to Captain Carrot. "Oh save me, Roger; save me!"
"This is getting to be a bad habit," muttered the Toon super-hero. With a sigh he accepted the package from Klang since Jessica showed no signs of being willing to do so. "I wonder what Super Squirrel would do in this situation?" he pondered, unwrapping the gift.
"It's ... it's a mackerel .. " Roger murmured in bewilderment, staring at the glassy-eyed Piscean specimen. "A mackerel ... "
"Attracting No-More's attention is the kiss of death!" Jessica continued to wail. "ALL his girlfriends die hideous deaths! Save me, Roger, save me!" she entreated piteously.
"A mackerel ... " marveled The Rabbit Of Tomorrow. "Why would No-More give you a dead fish?" the Zoo Crew leader wondered. "A dead fish ... "
"Roger! I'm going to die!!" shrieked Jessica, hands locked around the hero's throat, now. "Forget about the damned fish will you??"
"Now, now, Fluffikens," the Captain choked, in an attempt to soothe the distraught Jessica. "That's nonsense, dear. His current girlfriend, Susan Stormtossed, Helpless Woman of the Fantasical Four, is very much alive and well. Why, just yesterday The Fantastical Four saved the Earth from GalacTortoise, the Devourer of Worlds. Fortunately, they had plenty of time since he's such a slow eater ... "
"Wuxtry! Wuxtry! Read all about it!" came the newsboy's cry from the street below through the open window. "Susan Stormtossed, Helpless Woman of the Fantastical Four tragically killed on the eve of her wedding! Read all about it!"
Jessica screamed and fainted dead away into Roger's strong arms.
Roger began fanning frantically and chafing her wrists.
"Jessica? Jessica?? Speak to me!"
"The devastated groom, Prince No-More of Atlantis, the Sunk-Mariner, has, as yet, released no statement at this time. His Sub-Aqueous Hunkiness could not be reached for comment ..." droned the perky newsboy.
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This site is dedicated to the memory of Dannell Lites, who died unceremoniously on 16 September, 2002, in Kansas City, MO. Other than characters, place names, etc., which are ©DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Warner Bros., WGBS or any other television/movie owner, or Wizard Magazine, all content is ©2002 Dannell Lites. Background set ©2002 by SleepyHead. Please do not use without her permission. Site url= http://dannfan.50megs.com/